Painting With The Truest Color: Change, Individualism, Confessions of The People Pleaser

Hi. My name's Adrianne.. and I'm a People Pleaser.

Or at least I have been, much of my life.

I think that, if you're of the approval-addicted ilk.. it's an easy path to take. All you do is be overly-sensitive to the needs and expectations of others, and tip-toe around them constantly. And if you don't receive approval from people, you at least don't piss them off. Which is another great thing for the People Pleaser. We don't like peoples' anger very much. We're happy to work hard to avoid it.

I could go into long stories about my upbringing and how, why, and when this all started in me, and pass blame to my parents.. but I think that's a waste of time. They did the best they could. I made my choices.

However, I do want to write about the difficulty of the People Pleaser's emergence into their own identity. And the challenges of not Pleasing People anymore.

This past year.. the events of my life have sent me careening out of my safe universe of Pleasery and crash-landing into a singular life lesson: You can't live your life for anyone else's approval.

Change is really hard.. especially when it's the sort of change that nobody else within the communities of your life understand, save a few.

I've gone through some dramatic life changes over the past few months: spiritually, existentially, and even physically (suddenly relocating to Boulder from San Francisco). I've gotten some adverse reactions to my choices. I've had to shakily hold my ground, let go of the other person's opinions, energy, and reality.. and really embody the only thing that matters: my own truth.

For the People Pleaser, this is hell.

Disapproval, peoples' narrow-mindedness, arguments, and awkward silences ensue. And the People Pleaser has to shakily endure it all.. fighting every impulse to "soften the blow" and make their choices more approvable.

I think what's difficult for some of the people I know is that they are accustomed to (what they didn't know was) an inauthentic interaction from me. I'd masterfully change and adapt to the likes/dislikes of every person I was with.. to the point of where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I knew how to look centered and in control, but I certainly didn't know how to really stand up for myself, and hold my own. Of course I was always called "strong", and "individual".. but I think that was people seeing the parts of me that I was actually disowning through my devotion to putting all my energy into "keeping the peace".

But what's the sacrifice of keeping the peace, out of an inauthentic place?

I think it's losing something very unique. And important.

And that's who you were made to be.

But why now? And why so much change at once? I can see why it would make many people close to me nervous. But I suppose this is where that quote about walking a mile in somebody's shoes would come in. I simply can't explain how powerful the forces that have guided me here in my life have been. I go so far as to call it God.

Every. Single. Thing. in my past couple years, and most acutely, the past few months, has been used to break me from my prior ideas of reality. I believe a force beyond me has worked very hard in my life to break my narrow ideas of what life should be. New and strange people found me, New spirituality found me, and brand new paradigms and realizations found me. Event followed event in such a way that got me to stop walking, turn around, and go "Wait.. what...?"

And then.. Moments of complete epiphany. Moments of all the patterns of my synapses and reactions changing. Moments of complete.. tearful release. Moments of going "wow.. I really don't need to live my life through that old idea anymore..." with a deep sigh of relief. Moments of deep strength to reach deep within my heart, pull out the paint of my truest color, and paint fearlessly with it.. disregarding the strangers who walk by what I'm painting and raise a brow. "Hm. That's different.."

When you step off the broadly travelled highway of popular beliefs and start hacking away at the wilderness of Progression with your machete, it's not safe. It's scary. But the reason you do it in the first place is because you HAVE to. Everything has led to this moment. Something in you is a pioneer. Something in you doesn't think the way the rest of the highway does. Something in you believes, on a hunch, that there's something else. Something out there that needs to be discovered. And if nothing else, something in you HAS to create something new.

People think they're generally ok with this.. until you step off a path that reveals their actual narrow-mindedness.

The People-Pleaser gone Individualist is subject to the black-and-white analysis of the People she used to Please.

Especially, I've found, in spirituality.

Leaving fundamentalist Christianity**  and finding Shamanic Mysticism has revealed the narrow-mindedness of many a friend, family member, and acquaintance from my past. (Even if, under another guise, I was ALWAYS shamanic, and ALWAYS a mystic). And these people are very prepared for an argument. If you've left.. you'd better damn well have another solid place you've landed, and a really good answer as to why, even though they're not going to approve of it anyway. Because there's only one way. And you'd better not have any thoughts outside of that one way, or else.

(** - I DO NOT HATE CHRISTIANS OR CHRISTIANITY. I in fact still pray to Jesus. I just no longer believe that we're in a one-size-fits-all spiritual world. Yes. I'm having a People Pleasing moment.)

But the truth is that.. I no longer need that particular argument. I've no desire to be "right".

I don't need to have answers to the questions that this particular body of spirituality asks in the way they think we need them. Which fills me with awe. It's a paradigm shift that is huge for me.

When somebody is starting that argument.. I can really go, "You know.. I don't have a black-and-white replacement for a lot of those things. I don't have answers that are going to make sense within your system. But I've found something that really makes sense for me and fulfills my life.. and at the end of the day, I think you and I are both worshipping the same God: Love. And I think everybody can agree that we all need it."

Because really, that's all that matters.

But it's lonely, and difficult. It's a hard path, because it's uncommon. And at the core of my heart, I still believe in relationship between people, regardless of differences. I believe that love and respectful interdependence (not codependence) is the deepest answer to many of our world's problems. I don't believe that the individualist need walk off on their own and never need or care about another soul. That would be a shame. We can all recognize that there is a swinging of American culture, in some ways, from community-mindedness to an overabundance of individualism. And obviously, it's not working. Our world is broken, and needs to be healed. Being conscious of this.. how do I allow myself to color outside the lines, possibly alienate some people in my life in the process, and still effectively and consciously be part of the community? I can't just live my life selfishly.. even in finding my own identity.

I have to remain open-hearted, and set a defined intention. I have to love. Our worldwide community has to heal. And even as a person who's broken off from past ideas of how community should look.. I see that a "coming together" is necessary.

I'm still sketching the idea.. I'm still learning. I'm still understanding. I'm still growing. I don't want to be stuck anywhere. But I think God, the Universe, Great Spirit, and all the powers that be are very interested in the healing of our world as a whole, and that whatever path we decide to take, no matter how lonely, should be ultimately used for the good of the whole. And a life lived to this purpose often has a far more varied appearance than we recognize.

Alright. I'm off my soap box.
This chameleon is going to go change her skin from stars and zebra stripes back to brown, so she can blend back into the tree branch like a good People Pleaser.

Mars Retrograde and The Knight of Pentacles: Tilling Your Fields Helping Your Current Confusion?

Feeling a sense of rethinking everything you do, lately? Pouring extra focus into the grindstone, thinking that the extra work will alleviate the feeling of lostness? Feeling pressures about tedious issues, peripheral details, and checking over your shoulder.. wondering if there's something you're not doing right? All of these sensations causing you to recalibrate moving forward.. and as a bi-product, causing tension in your relationships?

 You may just be going through a hard time.. or, you could be experiencing a biennial occurrence known as the Mars Retrograde. Since Venus and Mercury have a closer orbit to the sun, we experience retrograde motion with them far more frequently. Mars is a little slower around the track, and thus we don't feel its retrograde as often.

What makes a planet go "retrograde" in motion, you ask? Ever watch two trains going down a train track at almost the same speed.. but one train speeds up just a few MPH faster than the other one.. passing it slowly, and making the other one look like it's "moving backward"? It's a bit like that. Earth, orbiting the same direction as the other planet (Mars, in this case), will pass up the planet, making it look like the other planet is "moving backwards" for a short period of time. How we tend to feel this backward motion experientially depends on the energy of the planet that's retrograding.. but it tends to give an internalized focus, throwing things from your past into your consciousness, and (especially in Mercury's case), causing specific challenges in regard to the theme of the planet.

With Mercury it's often no more than a month. With Mars.. we get the funk until mid-May this year. 

To make matters a bit more complex, Mars, warrior, thrusting, javelin-throwing Mars, who wants to simply GO, is currently in the diplomatic, Venus-rule signed of Libra. Libra, who goes, "Woah woah woah.. let's everybody get along. Let's not step on any toes here. CAREFUL WITH THAT SWORD! I'm sorry.. didn't mean to be impolite sir!" Libra. Polite, diplomatic Libra. Libra, who's certainly not going to ever move forward in a way one would label "attack". No. Libra has to keep the scale in balance, to consider all possible paths forward, first.

Mars is not very comfortable here. Mars just wants to power forward: teeth bared, shirt ripped off his muscular body, beating his chest like a gorilla. But instead he is forced to sit like Tarzan at a tea party when he's in Libra. Tamed, and not loving it. Instead of doing what he does best, which is simply giving us the drive to propel forward, the gasoline to go up the mountain without any doubts.. he is in a sign that focuses his awareness around himself; on relationships with others, on diplomacy with others, and on the prolonged consideration of forward movement. We get insecure. Wondering why we're not making progress, and on top of it.. we're extra insecure about our relationships or significant other (if we have one). Or insecure about not having one. Should we be moving forward if this isn't the fair thing to do for everybody? Are we balanced enough in EVERY area of our life, we ask? Surely there's a way to create a forward motion that makes everything harmonious, balanced, and checks every item on the list.

Add the retrograde motion to the already turned-inward Mars in Libra.. and you have a perfect confusion-fest. A feeling of suspended animation, self-inflicted loneliness, and losing yourself to working on all sorts of details that you seemed blissfully ignorant of just months ago.. not to mention a feeling of getting NOWHERE in the midst of it all.

So how are we responding to all of this? 

I drew a tarot card tonight. At first, it confused me.. and then in a beam of insight, it offered enormous clarity on what my response has been to the retrograde.

The Knight of Pentacles:

He sits on his horse; a thick, black steed that appears easily to be used for plowing as well as a recreational gallop through the countryside. But this knight isn't out for a pleasure ride. No, he holds responsibly within his right hand a singular pentacle. The representation of the empire he's building. His ambitions. His plans coming to fruition. His painstaking attention to detail.. sacrificing whatever material comforts he needs to in order to create the future he's working so hard at. He's the poster child for consciousness, reliability, tediousness, pessimism, realism, stubbornness, focus, and pragmatism. He's obviously just come from the freshly sown field behind him, where he's planned for all the little seeds' futures. He's not focused on what he's accomplished, though. No. This Knight is going to expect the worst and hope for the best. He's already focused on the next things he needs to do. He's already feeling the pressures of forward motion bearing down on him.. and all the dreams, pleasures, parties, and happy-go-lucky days are behind him. He can't even remember the last time he was able to do those things. No. Pleasure is to be revisited somewhere in the future.. after everything important is taken care of.

The backwards motion of Mars, especially in the results-oriented, intellectual sign of Libra.. has caused me to shift my energy completely from riding a wave of carefree Universal trust to "getting my shit together". The feeling of questioning my forward movement that came at the beginning of the retrograde has led to a response of action that I can only equate with the energy of The Knight of Pentacles. An overwhelming sensitivity to all of the aspects of "my field", an awakening to needs, details, and meticulous actions that are required to keep my life in the balance that Libra demands.

As a result, I've spread myself thin energetically, trying to sternly and realistically apply 150% to every little nuance of my life, all the while still feeling the pressures of Mars moving backward.. stealing any feeling of moving forward, and yet ever holding that pentacle in front of my nose. Just out of reach. 

Unnecessary and misdirected anger is also a result of this.. since Mars isn't allowing itself to feel freely while it's so focused on trying to till its fields to make its caged self feel better. And where have these been coming out, but in relationships! (Mars in Libra, remember? Keywords: relationship issues).

Mr. Knight is up on that horse alone.. nobody to be seen around him. but I'm sure as he gazes into that pentacle, he's told himself that one day, when he's accomplished everything he needs to accomplish, his relationships will be fixed as well. His love will be close to him. He'll have time for fun with his family. He'll play with his son. But all the while, the tension of misplaced relational need within him fuels his frustration to keep tilling his field relentlessly. Confused Mars, which answers the confusion with more force, is likely going to throw that force into an imbalance. Even though Mars has forged his plan to move forward and fix the confusion.. In Libra, his running gait will have to slow to a walk to not ruffle the relationships of those around him. Because he's moving backwards in the sign of relationships!

So, what do we do during this uncomfortable time?

I think the answer to the question is also housed within the Knight Of Pentacles Card. 

A beautiful key to the positivity of the Knight of Pentacles Card is the color of sun-yellow, drenching the entire background of the card. It's the color of being under the warm, rich sunlight. It's the color associated with the Solar Plexus Chakra, at the base of your sternum. This Chakra is your strongest sense of self, your self esteem, your calmness and initiation, clear direction, mental strength, friendliness, joy, and confidence. It's the Chakra that I believe is the answer to dealing with the misdirected Mars energies. This Chakra is linked strongly to the Sun, and drinking in long draughts of sun energy will strengthen the confidence within your Solar Plexus. When this Chakra is in balance.. we spend less time questioning.. and more time moving forward with simple, sunny confidence. Even if the planets are out of whack, we can do our best to respond to these energies by taking care of our personal energy fields. The Solar Plexus specifically answers the Mars Retrograde in a great way. Plus, it puts out a kind of positive vibe that will draw the positivity out of others.. and thus heal some of the relational disharmonies that are going on during this time. 

The Knight is also, obviously, doing what he loves. He's connected to nature. The outdoors. He's in the sun all the time. He's planting his fields because he loves the feel of seed in his gnarled hands, the feel of the soil under his fingers, the feel of a cool breeze over his skin. For as hard as he's working, he's still able to look out from his fields and enjoy the world around him. He prefers this to the life of a CEO, cooped up in an office. He simply wants to be in an environment that makes him feel alive. I believe this is also a positive answer to the Mars Retrograde. Let's find the love, joy, and play in what we are doing.. no matter how hard we're working. No matter how consumed we are in the "why" we are doing it. No matter how sensitive we currently are to others' expectations and reactions. When we shift the perspective of powerlessly struggling against our fate to gratefulness, love, and joy for our surroundings, we actually find the balance we are looking for. No need to try and artificially create it through more force. 

I'm lookin' at you, Mars.