Painting With The Truest Color: Change, Individualism, Confessions of The People Pleaser

Hi. My name's Adrianne.. and I'm a People Pleaser.

Or at least I have been, much of my life.

I think that, if you're of the approval-addicted ilk.. it's an easy path to take. All you do is be overly-sensitive to the needs and expectations of others, and tip-toe around them constantly. And if you don't receive approval from people, you at least don't piss them off. Which is another great thing for the People Pleaser. We don't like peoples' anger very much. We're happy to work hard to avoid it.

I could go into long stories about my upbringing and how, why, and when this all started in me, and pass blame to my parents.. but I think that's a waste of time. They did the best they could. I made my choices.

However, I do want to write about the difficulty of the People Pleaser's emergence into their own identity. And the challenges of not Pleasing People anymore.

This past year.. the events of my life have sent me careening out of my safe universe of Pleasery and crash-landing into a singular life lesson: You can't live your life for anyone else's approval.

Change is really hard.. especially when it's the sort of change that nobody else within the communities of your life understand, save a few.

I've gone through some dramatic life changes over the past few months: spiritually, existentially, and even physically (suddenly relocating to Boulder from San Francisco). I've gotten some adverse reactions to my choices. I've had to shakily hold my ground, let go of the other person's opinions, energy, and reality.. and really embody the only thing that matters: my own truth.

For the People Pleaser, this is hell.

Disapproval, peoples' narrow-mindedness, arguments, and awkward silences ensue. And the People Pleaser has to shakily endure it all.. fighting every impulse to "soften the blow" and make their choices more approvable.

I think what's difficult for some of the people I know is that they are accustomed to (what they didn't know was) an inauthentic interaction from me. I'd masterfully change and adapt to the likes/dislikes of every person I was with.. to the point of where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I knew how to look centered and in control, but I certainly didn't know how to really stand up for myself, and hold my own. Of course I was always called "strong", and "individual".. but I think that was people seeing the parts of me that I was actually disowning through my devotion to putting all my energy into "keeping the peace".

But what's the sacrifice of keeping the peace, out of an inauthentic place?

I think it's losing something very unique. And important.

And that's who you were made to be.

But why now? And why so much change at once? I can see why it would make many people close to me nervous. But I suppose this is where that quote about walking a mile in somebody's shoes would come in. I simply can't explain how powerful the forces that have guided me here in my life have been. I go so far as to call it God.

Every. Single. Thing. in my past couple years, and most acutely, the past few months, has been used to break me from my prior ideas of reality. I believe a force beyond me has worked very hard in my life to break my narrow ideas of what life should be. New and strange people found me, New spirituality found me, and brand new paradigms and realizations found me. Event followed event in such a way that got me to stop walking, turn around, and go "Wait.. what...?"

And then.. Moments of complete epiphany. Moments of all the patterns of my synapses and reactions changing. Moments of complete.. tearful release. Moments of going "wow.. I really don't need to live my life through that old idea anymore..." with a deep sigh of relief. Moments of deep strength to reach deep within my heart, pull out the paint of my truest color, and paint fearlessly with it.. disregarding the strangers who walk by what I'm painting and raise a brow. "Hm. That's different.."

When you step off the broadly travelled highway of popular beliefs and start hacking away at the wilderness of Progression with your machete, it's not safe. It's scary. But the reason you do it in the first place is because you HAVE to. Everything has led to this moment. Something in you is a pioneer. Something in you doesn't think the way the rest of the highway does. Something in you believes, on a hunch, that there's something else. Something out there that needs to be discovered. And if nothing else, something in you HAS to create something new.

People think they're generally ok with this.. until you step off a path that reveals their actual narrow-mindedness.

The People-Pleaser gone Individualist is subject to the black-and-white analysis of the People she used to Please.

Especially, I've found, in spirituality.

Leaving fundamentalist Christianity**  and finding Shamanic Mysticism has revealed the narrow-mindedness of many a friend, family member, and acquaintance from my past. (Even if, under another guise, I was ALWAYS shamanic, and ALWAYS a mystic). And these people are very prepared for an argument. If you've left.. you'd better damn well have another solid place you've landed, and a really good answer as to why, even though they're not going to approve of it anyway. Because there's only one way. And you'd better not have any thoughts outside of that one way, or else.

(** - I DO NOT HATE CHRISTIANS OR CHRISTIANITY. I in fact still pray to Jesus. I just no longer believe that we're in a one-size-fits-all spiritual world. Yes. I'm having a People Pleasing moment.)

But the truth is that.. I no longer need that particular argument. I've no desire to be "right".

I don't need to have answers to the questions that this particular body of spirituality asks in the way they think we need them. Which fills me with awe. It's a paradigm shift that is huge for me.

When somebody is starting that argument.. I can really go, "You know.. I don't have a black-and-white replacement for a lot of those things. I don't have answers that are going to make sense within your system. But I've found something that really makes sense for me and fulfills my life.. and at the end of the day, I think you and I are both worshipping the same God: Love. And I think everybody can agree that we all need it."

Because really, that's all that matters.

But it's lonely, and difficult. It's a hard path, because it's uncommon. And at the core of my heart, I still believe in relationship between people, regardless of differences. I believe that love and respectful interdependence (not codependence) is the deepest answer to many of our world's problems. I don't believe that the individualist need walk off on their own and never need or care about another soul. That would be a shame. We can all recognize that there is a swinging of American culture, in some ways, from community-mindedness to an overabundance of individualism. And obviously, it's not working. Our world is broken, and needs to be healed. Being conscious of this.. how do I allow myself to color outside the lines, possibly alienate some people in my life in the process, and still effectively and consciously be part of the community? I can't just live my life selfishly.. even in finding my own identity.

I have to remain open-hearted, and set a defined intention. I have to love. Our worldwide community has to heal. And even as a person who's broken off from past ideas of how community should look.. I see that a "coming together" is necessary.

I'm still sketching the idea.. I'm still learning. I'm still understanding. I'm still growing. I don't want to be stuck anywhere. But I think God, the Universe, Great Spirit, and all the powers that be are very interested in the healing of our world as a whole, and that whatever path we decide to take, no matter how lonely, should be ultimately used for the good of the whole. And a life lived to this purpose often has a far more varied appearance than we recognize.

Alright. I'm off my soap box.
This chameleon is going to go change her skin from stars and zebra stripes back to brown, so she can blend back into the tree branch like a good People Pleaser.