So, around the beginning of January this year, I started to experience some extreme internal upheaval.
What had been on cruise control for most of the prior year was suddenly undergoing speculation.. and I wasn’t liking what I was seeing.
My motivations and patterns, which had been entirely rebooted during 2014, had grown stale. Something critical was arising within me, and it seemed to be reflected by the manifestations within my immediate environment.
My inner experience and visualization of what had been normal, up until now, suddenly felt deeply inadequate. And how the hell had I been living this long without filling my needs for greater structure? Greater security?
I hadn't seen any of this before. In 2014, it wasn't the theme.
I’d been happy to ride on faith.
My inner visualization facilities had been on autopilot for 2014, giving me a trust that I, frankly, idealized. A trust in the basic abundance of the universe that offered me a constant internal cushion. And it all seemed to be unfolding beautifully, in a way I’d never known in my prior life in San Francisco. I was learning to flow on a current of provision from a source beyond me that seemed to interact with my constant needs. Which I’d never done before. At least not that dramatically. My growing edge, in 2014, was there. In trusting that.
I learned to do what I’d never done to such a high degree: trust. Trust “it”. Whatever it is. All of what it is. God. Goddess. Spirit. the Vortex. My own ability to manifest.
And it served such a beautiful function. It helped me to let go of my prior addiction to control. To security.
But a year slowly passed by in that reality.. and I shifted. I got used to it.
What started in 2014 as my growing edge had now grown a pretty strong shadow.
About what I wasn’t willing to do.
And then, in the beginning of 2015, the Universe started asking me, “What else are you willing to do?”
In answer to that question, I spent a lot of days crying in bed. And feeling ill.
Why couldn't the simple faith be enough anymore? Wasn't I doing enough by trusting? Wasn't trusting the whole lesson?
But I eventually had to realize that my reality was being challenged. Again. And challenged in a way that was very hard to define. The beautiful and once-fresh ideal that had allowed me to cruise on Trust was having a harsh light shone upon it. The harsh light was saying, "yeah, Trust is a huge part of it. So glad you've learned that. But have you made a limiting list of things you're not willing to do under the guise of 'trusting'?"
It wasn't a call to lose faith. But a call to be willing to activate in a different way. To find a balance between faith and pragmatism. It was a call to fresh willingness. It was time to shift, and to once again go with the flow of the energies and their challenges. A call to go with my leveled-up growing edge.
And friction, both internal and external, has made that very clear.
I know many of you can relate to this right now, based on the conversations I’ve had.
So, what the hell is going on?
Near the end of December 2014, Saturn crossed over into Sagittarius, and journeyed towards a solid square with transiting Neptune in Pisces.
Saturn: Structure. A Well Thought Out Plan. Solidity. Karma. Pragmatism. Work. Not Cutting Corners. Paying Your Taxes.
Neptune: Illusions. Dreams. Faith. Inner Hidden Consciousness. Diffusion. Intuition. Emotion. Knowing That It'll All Work Out No Matter What You Do.
To put these two in tension with each other throws the glaring, critical light of Saturn on the more gentle and diffuse waters of Neptune. this aspect can manifest in many differing ways for many people, but a good example is what happened for me: my illusions were challenged by a need for greater security and pragmatism.
The signs that are most effected by this right now are Virgo, Gemini, Pisces, and Sagittarius.
Many of you - no matter what your sign - are feeling some aspect of that “floating on faith” vibe come to a halt. In one or many areas of your life. You might feel like your touch-and-go job is no longer providing for your security, and you’re jumping into a more solid occupational situation. Some of you are having relational constrictions and miscommunications arise out of nowhere.. which are challenging your inner illusions about how you perceive others vs. yourself. Many of you are feeling a challenge come out of left field, and as harsh circumstances arise with it, you’re forced to blindly feel through the ocean of your illusions to the solidity of the earth. Wherever it may be.
It’s a confusing and anxious time.. and prone to low self esteem. Especially if you're still trying to let the illusion win when you should let the structure win out. Or, if you're holding onto the illusion of a structure when the real structure lies in letting go and finding faith in diffusion.
^ Woah. I know. Total mindfuck.
But inside yourself.. you are already starting to feel into where your next growing edge is. Wether it's answering the call of Saturn and creating more structure, or answering the call of Neptune and allowing for greater faith in the Universe.
Which is part of why this is whole thing also very useful.
In my case, dealing with the effects of cutting through illusions, dealing with fear, and seeing where I need to meet the ever-giving hand of the Universe with my own responsibility, I’m upping my game. I’m not digging the stimulus. It sucks. But I am rocking it, to the best of my ability, and making the necessary changes in my life.
And actually, even though it's been emotional and challenging, I'm super grateful.
What had been on cruise control for most of the prior year was suddenly undergoing speculation.. and I wasn’t liking what I was seeing.
My motivations and patterns, which had been entirely rebooted during 2014, had grown stale. Something critical was arising within me, and it seemed to be reflected by the manifestations within my immediate environment.
My inner experience and visualization of what had been normal, up until now, suddenly felt deeply inadequate. And how the hell had I been living this long without filling my needs for greater structure? Greater security?
I hadn't seen any of this before. In 2014, it wasn't the theme.
I’d been happy to ride on faith.
My inner visualization facilities had been on autopilot for 2014, giving me a trust that I, frankly, idealized. A trust in the basic abundance of the universe that offered me a constant internal cushion. And it all seemed to be unfolding beautifully, in a way I’d never known in my prior life in San Francisco. I was learning to flow on a current of provision from a source beyond me that seemed to interact with my constant needs. Which I’d never done before. At least not that dramatically. My growing edge, in 2014, was there. In trusting that.
I learned to do what I’d never done to such a high degree: trust. Trust “it”. Whatever it is. All of what it is. God. Goddess. Spirit. the Vortex. My own ability to manifest.
And it served such a beautiful function. It helped me to let go of my prior addiction to control. To security.
But a year slowly passed by in that reality.. and I shifted. I got used to it.
What started in 2014 as my growing edge had now grown a pretty strong shadow.
About what I wasn’t willing to do.
And then, in the beginning of 2015, the Universe started asking me, “What else are you willing to do?”
In answer to that question, I spent a lot of days crying in bed. And feeling ill.
Why couldn't the simple faith be enough anymore? Wasn't I doing enough by trusting? Wasn't trusting the whole lesson?
But I eventually had to realize that my reality was being challenged. Again. And challenged in a way that was very hard to define. The beautiful and once-fresh ideal that had allowed me to cruise on Trust was having a harsh light shone upon it. The harsh light was saying, "yeah, Trust is a huge part of it. So glad you've learned that. But have you made a limiting list of things you're not willing to do under the guise of 'trusting'?"
It wasn't a call to lose faith. But a call to be willing to activate in a different way. To find a balance between faith and pragmatism. It was a call to fresh willingness. It was time to shift, and to once again go with the flow of the energies and their challenges. A call to go with my leveled-up growing edge.
And friction, both internal and external, has made that very clear.
I know many of you can relate to this right now, based on the conversations I’ve had.
So, what the hell is going on?
Near the end of December 2014, Saturn crossed over into Sagittarius, and journeyed towards a solid square with transiting Neptune in Pisces.
Saturn: Structure. A Well Thought Out Plan. Solidity. Karma. Pragmatism. Work. Not Cutting Corners. Paying Your Taxes.
Neptune: Illusions. Dreams. Faith. Inner Hidden Consciousness. Diffusion. Intuition. Emotion. Knowing That It'll All Work Out No Matter What You Do.
To put these two in tension with each other throws the glaring, critical light of Saturn on the more gentle and diffuse waters of Neptune. this aspect can manifest in many differing ways for many people, but a good example is what happened for me: my illusions were challenged by a need for greater security and pragmatism.
The signs that are most effected by this right now are Virgo, Gemini, Pisces, and Sagittarius.
Many of you - no matter what your sign - are feeling some aspect of that “floating on faith” vibe come to a halt. In one or many areas of your life. You might feel like your touch-and-go job is no longer providing for your security, and you’re jumping into a more solid occupational situation. Some of you are having relational constrictions and miscommunications arise out of nowhere.. which are challenging your inner illusions about how you perceive others vs. yourself. Many of you are feeling a challenge come out of left field, and as harsh circumstances arise with it, you’re forced to blindly feel through the ocean of your illusions to the solidity of the earth. Wherever it may be.
It’s a confusing and anxious time.. and prone to low self esteem. Especially if you're still trying to let the illusion win when you should let the structure win out. Or, if you're holding onto the illusion of a structure when the real structure lies in letting go and finding faith in diffusion.
^ Woah. I know. Total mindfuck.
But inside yourself.. you are already starting to feel into where your next growing edge is. Wether it's answering the call of Saturn and creating more structure, or answering the call of Neptune and allowing for greater faith in the Universe.
Which is part of why this is whole thing also very useful.
In my case, dealing with the effects of cutting through illusions, dealing with fear, and seeing where I need to meet the ever-giving hand of the Universe with my own responsibility, I’m upping my game. I’m not digging the stimulus. It sucks. But I am rocking it, to the best of my ability, and making the necessary changes in my life.
And actually, even though it's been emotional and challenging, I'm super grateful.
